How do you always make it so great to talk with you?
- It's easy! I always have a bad joke thrown in the fire. Sometimes I make more, just to be safe.
Conversations between strangers or acquaintances are usually not very interesting. This is not because people don't want to connect but because most people have something important to say that can't be expressed in a typical conversation. However, I'm capable of maintaining engaging discussions with various degrees of people (at least, this is what I heard once; it must be true!).
Some people are friendly but not interested in a deeper connection, and that's okay. Others only care about games, which you cannot do much about. In any case, the best thing to do is to excuse yourself gracefully.
However, many conversations can be made more meaningful and emotional. In these conversations, you can laugh, be excited, share knowledge, feel understood, and even feel loved. Good conversations can be therapeutic and healing.
I used to be terrible at having meaningful conversations and just talked about whatever I was interested in until my listener got bored. But I eventually realized that human connection is one of my favorite things, so I've tried to improve my conversation skills. I've learned that emotionally intelligent people can easily create meaningful conversations, but it takes practice and effort. Here are some tips that helped me improve my discussions.
Start with the weather and the sky, then go deeper.
"What are you most afraid of?"
In the past, my best way to have a genuine conversation was to quickly move past small talk and dive into more intimate or controversial topics. To establish a deeper connection, I used to ask people intense questions like the one above. Many people, particularly men new to building relationships, use this approach. However, this needs to change because it treats people's boundaries as obstacles to overcome.
While some people don't enjoy small talk because it can be superficial, they miss the point. The information conveyed during small talk is fascinating if you take the time to care about it. Small talk helps establish a tone and boundaries. It enables you to understand the person's mood, energy level, communication style, and willingness to talk. Similarly, the person you're speaking with is evaluating your ability to follow basic social norms. If you can't engage in small talk, it's unlikely that they'll want to share anything more intimate.
You can establish connections with anyone by starting with small talk. The content of the initial conversation matters less than the attitude you bring to it. You can ask about the other person's job, recent activities, or how they know the host. The key is to remain open and curious. Forcing a conversation with a stranger is uncomfortable. Remember, good discussions can't be forced, so be open to them happening.
Make some steps, and leave some marks for others.
If you're having a good conversation, you can deepen it by looking for dormant energy. This means looking for signs that suggest we're getting close to something emotionally important, whether a positive or negative emotion or something preoccupying us intellectually or personally. This takes more observation than usual, as what you're looking for is often nonverbal or barely verbal.
Sometimes, people's words don't necessarily reflect their genuine emotions. For instance, when someone says "I'm good" quickly, it might not convey an underlying emotion or could mask a more profound feeling. Conversely, a brief pause or slight facial tension could indicate they're not okay or feeling happy but are trying to play it down. Similarly, if someone says, "Work has been insane lately," with emphasis, it could mean that they're excited about their new startup or reevaluating their life priorities because they're miserable.
It's important to note that not everyone wants to disclose more, even if they're leaking emotions. Sometimes, you have to probe gently, which means signaling openness. If someone wants to open up more, they will if you signal that you're open to it. The best invitations are usually casual and vague, especially if you're still establishing a connection in the conversation. Phrases like "say more" and "no way!" work wonders.
You can share something more profound about yourself for a more meaningful conversation. For instance, you can talk about something on your mind lately and provide more information. If the other person is interested in continuing the conversation, they will likely follow your lead. If not, don't take it personally. Lastly, it is essential to remember that ending the conversation and going your separate ways is okay if you're not in the mood for a deeper discussion.
Be there, but not too close.
People love attention almost more than anything. Part of what makes people open up conversationally is that someone is paying them more attention than average.
This is usually conveyed by shared body language, shared speech patterns, and granular responses—like, for an incredibly banal example, if someone tells you they used to live in Paris, you can say, "Paris, the city where even the pigeons look sophisticated. Did you ever master their strut?" rather than, "oh cool." Generally, treat people as if they're important, and if you can hack it, feel they are important.
But there's a balance here. Too much attention that's too focused, especially early in a conversation, feels weird. It feels like you're being put on the spot, and your conversational partner is in an interview with you. Again, this is forced, and we don't do that.
When you arrive at a mutually significant subject and establish a suitable attentional space, a funny thing usually happens—the conversation starts driving itself.
Take time to breathe; take time to think.
It's common to feel anxious during a conversation, and you must keep talking to avoid boring the other person. However, deep conversations usually involve moments of silence, which can be used to collect your thoughts or enjoy each other's company. You can let the other person know it's okay to have some silence by maintaining eye contact, using receptive body language, and giving off a friendly vibe. Interestingly, conversations often become more meaningful after these moments of silence.
Share your experience of the conversation.
One effective technique that works well for me, but only a few people use, is to take note of the properties of the conversation within the conversation. This helps to create a sense of mutual understanding and shared space. Saying things like "You remind me that it's nice talking to you, "Only you say that expression," "It's great to connect about this," or "And now the real question was asked." helps to highlight that you are another human being. You feel similar to how the other person is feeling. This affirmative language technique goes beyond simply saying "I hear you" or "I understand what you're saying."
The same story is said differently every time.
Good conversations often include moments when someone shares something or tells a story. But these moments must feel like something other than monologues. The difference between a monologue and a resonant emotional sharing is attention. The speaker must know the listener's reactions and modulate their pace and tone accordingly. They must also notice if the listener wants to interrupt with a question or comment.
Sometimes, cerebral and verbal people can unknowingly start speaking in a monologue, where they talk continuously without giving the other person a chance to speak. The only way to prevent this is to be mindful of and consciously avoid it. If you find yourself in a monologue, note it and ask the other person for their thoughts or feelings. This helps break the tension and steer the conversation to the present moment.
You can't control whether someone else goes on autopilot, but you can make it less likely. Many people do this because they feel nervous. They think they need to impress you or earn a place in the conversation. To remedy this, I like to make a mistake, saying something related to the discussion but wrong so that they need to correct me. Somehow, after the correction, they are no longer on autopilot.
Some people talk a lot on autopilot, which has nothing to do with you. These are the only people that can be hard to talk to. They often do this because they feel the need to defend their identity. This used to be me a lot of the time, but most people grow out of it.
Be ready to surprise and be surprised.
The best conversations are usually spontaneous ones. You can encourage spontaneity by allowing unexpected thoughts or ideas to be a part of the conversation. For instance, if a conversational tangent jogs a memory or idea you didn't foresee appearing, bring it up. Saying, "For some reason, this makes me think of platypuses. Did you know they have electrolocation ?" is perfectly fine. Similarly, if your conversation partner brings up something that seems tangential or off-topic, don't hesitate to ask them about it and encourage them to explore that path further.
Meet me halfway.
It is generally recommended that you talk for around 50% of the time during a conversation. However, this is not a minute-to-minute calculation and can vary between 2-5 minutes. If you find yourself talking more or less than this, there should be a good reason behind it.
There are valid reasons why one person might talk more than the other, such as when someone shares a personal experience and the other listens. Some people also prefer a more passive listening role, but this is true only for a few people. In most cases, it is not ideal for one person to dominate the conversation.
Matching the intimacy level when someone shares personal information is more critical. If you're comfortable, it's a kind gesture to reciprocate and share something personal.
There is always a next time.
Sometimes, during a conversation, you may feel that the energy driving it has been expended, and it's time to end it. Instead of continuing the conversation, it's better to end it by saying, "It was great talking to you; I need to go feed my imaginary friend." This approach is almost always appropriate.
All models are wrong, but some are useful.
This was my attempt at translating my tacit knowledge about conversations into something more palpable. It is a challenging attempt, especially since communication is a vast topic that involves many skills.
I hope you can have great conversations; at the end of the day, it's one of our duties! Instead of a wrong discussion, I prefer none in the first place.
